*Contains spoilers!!! Do not read if you haven't read Breaking Dawn!!*
I'm so sorry to post another Twilight spoof. Please don't feel like you have to read this, for I'm sure that it will be terribly boring. I was bored, so... well... here's the result.
Oh and by the way, this script was not intended to insult any Twilight fans or Stephenie Meyer and her series. But it's just so much fun to exaggerate the personalities of the Twilight characters. I don't have anything against Stephenie Meyer and I only portrayed her as an idiot in this script because I think it is entertaining to read. I don't actually think that she is an idiot. : )
Characters:
Edward
Bella
Charlie
Priest
Carlisle
Rosalie
Jacob
Stephenie Meyer
Winter's Twelfth Night
BELLA: [sitting in car waiting for EDWARD] Oh my gosh, I hate Edward for giving me this amazing car! I definitely should not be grateful. It makes me feel so self-conscious!
EDWARD: [walks over to car and opens door] Bella! [Flings himself on her] I haven’t seen you for like...like… a whole hour! I thought you were dead! Don’t ever, ever, leave me like that again! You didn’t even call me.
BELLA: Edward, I just had to get a sweatshirt from Charlie’s house. I was gone for like ten minutes. Why are you freaking out? I’m not dead.
EDWARD: Oh. Right. Well then I forgive you. But you better watch your behavior, young
lady. I’m an extremely hot, perfect guy and I’m sure that I could find another fiancé who won’t go missing for whole hours.
BELLA: What?!? [faints and then goes into New Moon mode]
EDWARD: Oh crap, I forgot about that. Bella? I didn’t mean it. Come on, you’re being so dramatic.
BELLA: [sits up really quickly at the sound of EDWARD’s voice and smacks her head on the ceiling of the car] Ow. EDWARD IS THAT YOU???!!! Oh my God, I thought I would have to kill myself. [flings herself on EDWARD]
EDWARD: Ummm…..
[Cut to the wedding. BELLA is standing at the end of the aisle with CHARLIE. They begin to walk.]
BELLA: [aside to CHARLIE] Yay Daddy! I’m getting marr- [Trips on nothing and falls on her face]
CHARLIE: God, Bella, you’re so uncoordinated.
BELLA: [gets up from floor with a bloodstained dress] Dad my nose is broken. It’s bleeding everywhere.
CHARLIE: [chuckles] You’ll be fine. Keep walking.
[They proceed down the aisle creating a trail of blood drops. EDWARD is trying very hard not to break into a fit of giggles. They reach the altar and the PRIEST says all the marriage stuff]
PRIEST: You may now kiss the bride.
[BELLA smiles, the lower part of her face is caked in blood]
EDWARD: Oh, um, ok. [Grimaces and quickly kisses BELLA, who frowns. Everyone claps and they all leave for dinner.]
[Cut to dinner]
BELLA: [walks over to EDWARD and slaps him. Her hand goes flying across the room and hits ROSALIE in the back of the head. ROSALIE screams] Ow! My hand! It’s gone! Your face took my hand off!
EDWARD: Wait, what? I didn’t feel anything. Oh I’m sorry, were you trying to hurt me? [falls on the floor laughing hysterically]
BELLA: Edward! My hand is detached from my body!! Stop rolling on the floor! Somebody go get Carlisle!
[CARLISLE staggers over to BELLA and falls on top of EDWARD, giggling uncontrollably. Apparently he has had a little too much wine.]
BELLA: Oh screw this, I’m gonna go talk to Jacob.
[BELLA walks over to where JACOB is sulking in a corner]
BELLA: Hey Jacob. Look what Edward did to my hand. [Shows her bloody stump of an arm] Doesn’t that make you angry? Don’t you want to fight him now?
JACOB: Yes. I love you. You love me too. Look, I grew my hair long for you. And I’m smiling. Will you make out with me in front of everyone in the room?
BELLA: Well, I don’t know. I’m married now, I’m not sure if I should do that.
JACOB: Come on Bella. It doesn’t count if your husband is a vampire.
BELLA: Really? Well ok then.
[JACOB and BELLA make out very passionately. Intense moment. EDWARD sees and marches over to them. DUH DUH DUUUHHHHHH!]
EDWARD: I KILL YOU!!!!! [Kills Jacob with his incredible vampire blood-sucking abilities!]
JACOB: [dies]
BELLA: OMG Edward! That was not very nice! Why would you do that? Why?? He was my only friend!! Now apologize.
EDWARD: Apologize? But Bella, I don’t think you understand-
BELLA: Edward, apologize to him NOW!
EDWARD: But- ok. I’m sorry Jacob.
BELLA: Thank you. I’m sure he forgives you.
STEPHENIE MEYER: [suddenly appears next to EDWARD and BELLA] I think I need to add a few more words to this script to make it good. Let’s see… umm… well God-like, of course. What else… dazzle. And… umm... topaz. And beautiful. Masochistic, for sure. And cold and icy. And God-like. And icy. DAZZLE! There, perfect. You may continue with your script now.
WINTER’S TWELFTH NIGHT: Umm, thanks. You just ruined my script. Now I can’t continue because of the horrid repetition.
STEPHENIE MEYER: Hey, using those words makes me sound smart. Without them my story would be lacking good word choice.
WINTER: Well, it already lacks plot and interesting characters so why not add a little repetition? I understand completely.
STEPHENIE MEYER: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WINTER: So, you enjoy writing about nothing, then?
MEYER: Oh yes I- OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!! LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!! [runs over to CARLISE who is still giggling on the ground] That looks like FUN!! [lies down on the ground and giggles uncontrollably next to CARLISLE]
EDWARD: Is that the one that wrote my story?
BELLA: I believe that it is in fact my story, Edward.
EDWARD: Ha! I laugh at you! If it were not for my beautifulness this series would not have sold even ten copies.
BELLA: But I'm uncoordinated! Isn't that fun to read about?
WINTER: It's fun to watch!
BELLA: [falls on MEYER]
MEYER: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! WEEEEEEE!!!!
EDWARD: Bella!! Are you ok?
BELLA: [Starts to sob]
[EDWARD picks BELLA up off the ground and comforts her]
EDWARD: It's ok Bella. It's ok. Stephenie Meyer won't hurt you.
WINTER: [Rolls her eyes and leaves]
MEYER: [suddenly becomes serious and stands up] Or will I? Maybe I am the Volturi in disguise!!
EDWARD: Nice disguise.
MEYER: Why thank you! My son made it for me. Isn't it beautiful?
EDWARD: Quite.
BELLA: Edward she's going to hurt me again! Don't let her hurt me!!!!
EDWARD: No no, Bella. This is the one that created you! And more importantly, she is the one who created ME!
BELLA: Oh, ok then.
MEYER: Or am I?
WINTER: [Rolls her eyes in the distance]
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Oh my God I am so going to die laughing now.
Absolutely hilarious! Fantastic way to satirise one of the biggest and most soppiest and half-witted and predictable novel/movie franchises in the 21st century by using cliches Meyer created her and using them against her.
Keep up the good work!
I absolutely loved it. I haven’t read the books or seen the movies, and I also refuse to. But this - this just sums it up.
I wouldn’t mind seeing this on TV for some comedy sketch program like Double Take or something. Such fun and what a joy to read.
It's really funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But while I was rolling on the ground lauphing and reading(by the way not a good combination) I read when SM came it sort of mad the parody suck. KEEP DOING PARODIES!!!!!!!!!!
have lot's of fun!!!!!!!
LOL!
I liked this.
I actually started laughing when Bella makes Edward apologize to Jacob, who is dead.
Ahh, nice parody.
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAA
This is HILARIOUSSS! Not such a big fan of Meyer and not at all of Bella!
Looved it!
x
Hey there
I have no idea whatsoever about scripts, but this was pretty darn immense!
To be perfectly honest, I don't really care about all of the grammar, the techniques and all of that junk. I just want to say that your script was hysterical!
I myself don't actually mind Twilight that much. In fact, I actually like the books. Luckily for you, I'm not one of those obsessive, sad fans, so I simply find this funny as hell! I love how you used the characters personalities and exaggerated them, making them even funnier than they already were!
I was actually laughing out loud reading this!
Please do another one!
Otherwise, I will be over your house with my water pistol. Hell yeah. I'd go there.
xoxo Skins
Skutter11: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! <Thud>
Janitor: Oh, great! Now I have to carry this smiling body out as well!
Skutter11: I'm not dead I'm in a laughing induced coma, you would be too, if you read this
Janitor looks at script and dies laughing.
Sorry 'bout that. It's just that I thought it was funny!
This is absolutely hilarious. I was laughing my head off the WHOLE time. I don't think anyone can review this, it's hard to look for grammar/ spelling or whatever mistakes when you're laughing you're head off. Simply HILARIOUSS!
Haha, nice. *sigghhhh* I got caught up in the Twilight series for like...three days. My parents bought the books and I had to read them (they're books, I'm an obsessive reader...I have a problem, okay?!) But, like you, I realized the whole was a bunch of plotless nothingness and that Breaking Dawn was an even bigger letdown than the others books of the series. Love how you portrayed Stephanie Meyer; the slightly (but hardly) exaggerated personalities of the characters was hilarious too. I think I like your re-write better than the actual series!
That was great! I loved the fact that you put Stephanie in the story. She definitely used the same words over, and over, and over, and over, and...you get my gist? I loved how she popped in and ruined your script
Really good.
Keep writing!
~Jessey
Hi
I just got told off for laughing so much and its all your fault!!!!!
I'm joking. I love this script, I'm a Twilight lover but I think what you wrote her is so funny. I love the way you added yourself into the script.
midnightread
HAHAHA!!!!! I love this twilight parodies, they're the best. This one was sick, I totally loved it. I can't review, i'ts was way tooo funny to check any mistakes or it was just "flawless".well anyways, extremely hilarious. OMG!! I can read this over and over ( no,I better not do that, It'll loose it's humor.)
You rock!!
Hahahaha oh my goodness!
You're brilliant! I love Twilight Parodies like this because I know so many Twilight loves and tons more haters!
I worship you!
-Irish
Hi!
You nailed it... This was hysterical.
I love how Jacob is sulking in the corner.
You really got everything without seeming overdone. I can't wait to read the other ones!
You should start an anti-twilight club, just to counter the fifty million pro-twilight clubs. (JK!!!)
Gold Star!
~Lupis
hey!
That was awesome! I was laughing so hard by the end of it. Especially the bit about Stephanie Meyer! She does do that haha! I must admit I adore twilight, they totally hooked me and all my friends at school. However I must say that they are basically a very cliched story which feeds off a teenage girl's emotions and their romantical fantasies. It also gives girls a totally unrealistic view of the perfect guy.
Great job!
xx mimi xx
Oh, man! I thought that this parody would be boring, like you described! Ha, far from! Wonderful job. I applaud this. I liked the series for a while, but now I despise it pretty much. Too much pointlessness and stero-typicality (<-- That's not a word, I think?) Anyways, I loved this! Ha ha ha! I think that this is a more fitting ending to that pointless series! I give you one gold star!
This made my day. I love, "Just keep walking." So good. This had me cracking up. Well done, my friend!
This is great! Somebody should totally make this cartoon parody. I want more
!!!!!!!! *please*
heh heh heh. =)
Ah Twilight spoofs...
You're spot on, of course. You just missed out some of Meyer's favourite words. Incoherent, velvet, chagrin...
This was really funny! I used to be a huge Twilight fan, and all that jazz, but now I find myself hating it. It's not that the books aren't good, it's just that it's everywhere and sooo overrated. Nice to see someone not taking it seriously for once!
(Laughing uncontrollably)
Th-th-this..HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
This is ridiculous in the good kind of way! I couldn't stop laughing the whole time I was reading this! My favorite part is definitly when Steph Meyer popped up and "dazzled" us with her amazing vocabulary.
Drunk Carlile FTW!
That was great! My stomach hurts now I was giggling so hard. My faovrite part had to be carlile giggling and falling on top of edward. Also stephenie meyer coming in and adding her words. She does like the word god-like and dazzle quite a bit.....also I think when I first read breaking dawn I had the same feeling when bella was sitting in her car at the gas station thinking about how much she was deprived because edward gave her this car and not a better sleeker one and how it made her feel so self concious. You captured it perfectly. Loved it!
I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the star.
Ok, I must admit the part you added was funny. (you get a reluctant star from me)
Haha thanks! I changed role to roll, and I'm working on adding more to it. I'm thinking about writing a New Moon parody because that was my least favorite Twilight book as well.
Look on the contest board. I considered entering -I wrote a quite funny -even if I do say so myself self-insert parody for my friend, but I didn't.
. Go ahead. lol! I love the new part. Can I just have a nitpick? You say "Role" instead of "roll" at one point when you say you roll your eyes.
Lol! This is so funny. No, I don't mind at all
I especially loved "If it wasn't for my beautifulness your story wouldn't have sold ten copies!" Haha! I laughed muchos
Epic win.
-Stella.
Hahaha! Exactly. Actually, Edward was right. If it wasn't for his perfection, the Twilight books would have never become in any way popular. And if he didn't sparkle, I would have stopped reading after the first book.
LOL
Why are Twilight parodies so hilarious? I know we all harbor secret love-hate and envy towards Stephenie Meyer, so why do we insist on making fun of her all the time?
Because her men sparkle. That's why.
*answers own question*
If you want addictive nothingness, read the Uglies Series, your hooks, but towards the end, you know it wasn't worth the read.
(and yes, Twilight is sort of nothingness, but it's good nothingness.
lol. I liked twilight, but my Jewish sense of humor forced me to laugh so hard at this script that I knocked over a pile of medical devices (this is a good thing).
You captured all the bad elements of Stephenie Meyer's series and made it bleeping hillarious, thank you!
-Mira
----
If you don't laugh, you must weep. - proverb
what's the twilight upside-down contest? can someone PM me about that?
i already commented your other copy,
but props, my friend, for successfully making me pee my pants over something I adore.
hahahahah. x]
Oh my gosh, yes! I totally forgot about Edward being a vampire! Hahaha! Yeah I'll definitely add something like that.
[comes back to life to offer suggestion]
Oh oh oh! When Bella is covered in blood and Edward must kiss her, he should be in agony about "the sweet, intoxicating scent of the life-juice flowing through her veins" or something.
Thanks everyone!
Stella:
I agree that I should continue with that train of thought. Do you mind if I steal your idea? Also, what is the twilight upside-down contest? I would love to join!
Sakura:
Actually, I do not hate Stephenie Meyer or her books. For a time I actually liked them. But now I realize that they are about nothing. Those books are 1600 pages of nothingness. I had to stop reading Breaking Dawn because I simply couldn't stand the emptiness. The plot is stupid anyway.
Alice:
Haha thanks! Don't worry about editing this. It was written purely for entertainment's sake.
I would make comments
but I was too busy laughing to think of anything.
And I suck at scripts anyways.
Lawl.
ZOMG LIEK HOW CAN YOU MAKE FUN OF TWILIGHT???
No, no really, thank you! Thank God for you other Stephanie Meyer haters out there! I swear I am the only one who hates Twilight at my school.
Anyway, this was hysterical! I love when Edward kills Jacob and narrates it. ^_^ And when Bella goes into "New Moon" mode. She spends half the book in a catatonic state, pity her!
You against Stephanie Meyer= epic pwn.
-Sakura ^_^
Totally adored it
She does use masochistic a lot, I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed! Gosh, you captured it perfectly! I really think you should have continued with something along the lines of "Nothing happens for four hundred pages... Bella has a baby... nothing happens for two hundred pages... Volturi come... nothing happens... ZOMG VAMPIRE LUV 4 EVA!!!!!!!
Actually, I have much respect for Mrs. Meyer. But it is also very fun to make fun of Twilight.
Total win, m'dear. Total win. I take it this is for the Twilight Upside-Down contest? If so, good luck!
-Stella x
hahaha ha ha
omg haha
...wow this comment makes me sound so intelligent. still. this is awesome.
Haha thanks! Ya, Meyer needed to make some changes.
[dies laughing]
Haha! I loved this! I'm literally loling. Stephenie Meyer ruined your script. This is hilarious.